Master of Science

Ok, so I haven't posted in quite sometime. I blame the craziness of this last semester. The other day I was talking to my internship supervisor and told her about how many hours I was working while doing school and her response was "How did you keep from going insane?" I have to admit, there was a few weeks this semester where I really thought I wasn't going to make it and was going crazy. There was one week where I was sick 4 days in a row with what I think was a migraine. It had to be stressed reduced. And then after those 4 days, the next couple weeks I'd miss work here and there because another migraine would come on. I seriously didn't know if I was going to make it through.

But I made it. Last Friday they called my name, I walked across the stage and shook the president's hand. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Granted, I still have quite a bit of internship hours I have to complete this summer before my degree can be conferred, but I'm done with classes. No more papers or tests or required readings. It's an amazing feeling!

My boss got me a graduation present. It was a very cute decoracted pillow with the verse Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart"

If I think about what got me through these last two years, I know it was God. There were moments of doubt, but the more I struggled, the more purposeful I was in placing my trust in Him. I will always have to trust in Him no matter where I am on this journey of life. I made it through grad school with His help, and I know I can make it through whatever else I face in life because He will be there to lift me up and carry me.

1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that He'll never let me be pushed past my limit. I really like the Message version of this verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

I have to admit that even thought I know those words to be true and I know nothing is impossible for God, while going through my struggles (especially this last semester) it was hard for me to really comprehend this. I knew it, but somehow, that wasn't enough for me to let go of the anxiety and stress that I had. Looking back, I can see exactly where God helped me through. Kind of like those footprints in the sand. While we go through those trials, it can seem that we have no help because we are focusing on the issues we face and not on God. Only after we make it through can we look back and see where He was. It's amazing the kind of patience God has. I mean, I would be upset if I'm helping people out while they keep asking me why I'm not helping or where I am. But He keeps helping us even when we don't notice.

Peace in the Uncertainty

As I prepare for my final semester of grad school, I constantly get asked one question: "Got any jobs lined up?"

This question takes many forms: "When are you moving back (refering to IL)?" "What jobs are you looking at?" "What will you be doing after graduation?"

Each time I'm asked this question, that place in the pit of my stomach develops this dull ache. Why do I get this ache? It's simple. I don't have an answer to this question. Well, technically I do because it is "I don't know."

It's a common question to ask a student who is about to graduate. If I weren't about to graduate myself, I'm sure I'd ask other people the same thing. In today's society (and economy), it's dumb not to plan. We all want financial security and we all want confidence in our future lives.

So where is all this anxiety coming from? Is it from not having a job lined up? Is it not sure what kind of job I want? Is it from wanting to move back home to be with my family and friends? Is it from wondering how much I'll miss all the great friends I've made here? Yeah, these questions all add to the anxiety, but they aren't the root. They are more or less the branches of the problem. The root of my anxiety can be traced to one question: "What if I miss God's plan for my life?" or even, "What is God's plan?"

God has always provided that next step in my life. What should I major in? Psychology. What school should I go to? Evangel. Should I stay at Evangel for Grad school? Yes. Where should I work while I'm in school? Here's a position at Evangel.

Sure some of those decisions were not the easiest to make. When I was deciding to stay at Evangel for Grad school, I was really unsure if that is what I wanted. As an undergrad, I was sooo homesick and beginning my senior year, I didn't even know how I would make it through that last year. God telling me I needed to stay resulted in me trying to figure out how I'd last for 2 more years being far away from home. In the end, I was able to make the decision to stay and found peace with it. I ultimately knew I wanted God's plan for my life which meant to stay. I knew He knew how I was feeling about missing my family and friends, but I also knew He would help me through. Looking back, I'd say my current anxiety level is 100 times worse than it was then.

Looking at it logically, trusting God should be easy. He's all powerful, all knowing. He also knows the best plan for your life. He's always going to take care of you. It wasn't that difficult for me in trusting God when it came to previous decision about the next step in my life. I think it was because I knew that next step. Now is a different story. I don't know the next step. Taking a look at all of the stories in the Bible, I should know I need to just place all my trust in God even more in this uncertainty.

I think that God might be using this time of uncertainty to teach me just that. Trust Him. I'm reminded of Abraham and his uncertainty of the future. God just told him to go. "Go." He didn't say where to, or how far. He just said "Go." I wonder if Abraham had this same feeling in the pit of his stomach that I have now... Abraham went, trusting in God. He didn't need to know where, or how far. God knew. I don't need to know where to go after graduation. God knows.

There should be peace in that knowledge. Peace that the all knowing and powerful and amazing and great and big God knows the plan He has laid out for me. I don't need to know. If I knew, maybe I'd be so excited about it that it would be all I could concentrate on. Maybe I wouldn't be focused on my last semester. Maybe I would be thinking so much about the future that I wouldn't take the time to enjoy the present and miss out on fun time with friends. Maybe there doesn't even need to be a reason for me to not know. He's God.

So for now, I'm working on handing over this anxiety and in return latching onto God's peace.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by praryer and petition, with thanksgiving, presnt your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understadnign , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Life Takes Action

My daily devotion was about James 4:8

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Sometimes I just sit and wonder why God feels so distant. I often forget it is because my relationship with Him tends to be one sided; He does all the work. Ever think about past friendships or relationships you have had? Most of the time if the friendship ended it wasn't due to a huge argument or fight. Usually it was the result of one of us not putting any effort into it. I remember this one particular instance, and I always wonder what would have happened if I had put more effort into the friendship:

He was my best friend growing up, lived right across the street. I went over to his house almost everday. We always made up tv shows and acted them out, we used to make recordings on cassette tapes and pretend like we had our own radio show. We played board games like crazy (Payday was always a favorite), and when we weren't playing them, we'd play video games on the ol' super nintendo and nintendo 64. We also went through a period of time where we wrote short stories. Right about 5th grade I started public school. He was a year younger than me, so I had to make new friends in order to survive this new environment. After a year or so of having new friends, I stopped spending a lot of time with my old friend. Instead of going to his house everday, I was riding my bike a few blocks to have sleepovers with my new friends. It wasn't that I hated him suddenly, but I had the excitement of new adventures in my life. I don't know at what point I stopped talking to him. Occasionally I'd see him at lunch at school and say, "hi," but that was about it. By the time I got into high school, our friendship no longer existed. It wasn't that I hated him or visa versa; it was that we no longer were spending time together.

In the age of facebook, I was able to begin to catch up with his life. A lot has changed since we were younger. He's gone through a lot of personal struggles and decisions in his life. When I think about it, I wonder what kind of person would he be today if only I had put more effort into our friendship. Kind of makes me think about the movie "To Save A Life." Maybe he would have a relationship with Christ had I stuck to our friendship. He would have had someone to be there for him as he went through a lot of personal issues in his life.

Now I may have gone off on a huge tangent, but I felt like I needed to share that story in order to relate it to a friendship with God. According to Hillsong and the Bible, Jesus is my best friend. Much like this kid, He's been my best friend since forever. The problem is, as I move into different stages of my life, my focus gets easily moved from one thing to the next and I slowly stop making an effort to keep up with my friendship with Jesus. That's what I did in the story above. Friendship isn't one sided. Jesus can't be the only one that puts any effort into our relationship. I have to put effort into it myself. I have to draw closer to God, so that He will draw closer to me.

Robert Madu spoke at the Illinois Youth Convention over the past weekend. In his first message, he started out telling us about his experience at an airport. Going into the airport he sees these closed doors with no handles. Only when he walks up to them do they open. In the bathrooms there are sinks with no nozzles. Only when he puts his hand under the faucet does water come out. Same with the soap. In order to get a paper towel, he has to waive his hand in front of the sensor. All of these things required an action of him in order for them to respond. Relate that to our relationship with God. Jesus already died on a cross for our sins and defeated death by rising from the dead three days later. He is ready for that relationship with us, but the problem is, it takes more than that. We have to do something. We have to walk right up to those doors in order for them to open, we have to stick our hands under the faucet to get water. We have to accept the gift God is offering. We have to draw close to God and He will draw close to us.

Life takes action. Relationships take effort. Don't let the most important relationship fail because you stopped putting effort into it. Draw close to God. Pray and talk to God on a day to day basis. Spend some quality time with Him. Get to know Him by reading His Word everday. Study it. Learn about Him. Life takes action.

Fears of Growing Up

As I get closer to graduation, I begin to feel overwhelmed. I am very excited about moving back home to be closer to my family and friends, but at the same time I'm saddened by the fact that I'd be leaving North Point, my friends, and even my coworkers here. I am also excited about the fact that I will have so much free time because I won't have classes and internship. No longer will I worry about on the weekends getting homework done or studying for a test. After work, I'll be able to relax. I'll be able to cook real dinners and eat real food and no longer live off of fast food.

At the same time of feeling all the excitement, I also am scared to death. Where am I going to find a job? Will I be able to find one back home? How long will that take? Will I move back home and not be able to move out on my own right away? Will I have my Master's degree and license and be living with my parents as they pay for all my bills? Should I move back home right after graduation? Should I stay at least for the summer so I can build up my savings and pay off my student loans before moving back? What do I even want to do with my degree? Do I still want to be a counselor? Do I just want to teach psychology? Will I be able to find a job in my field or will I be stuck working minimum wage as an office secretary? Is this when my life will actually begin?

I could go on and on with these questions. And as I do, I get this huge knot in my stomach. Up until this point I haven't really had to worry about what I'm going to do since all I knew was to go to school. 19 years of my life have been spent sitting in the classroom (yes I included kindergarten). God has opened up so many doors for me. I have no doubt that I'm on His path for my life. But as I inch closer and closer to graduation, I'm inching closer to closer to the end of what I can see of this path. For the first time in my life I can't say where I'll be in 5 years or even in 1 year.

I was thinking about this all last night. Up until this point, I have allowed God to guide my life. Is moving back home my plan or God's plan? I'm at a point where I don't know what God wants me to do after graduation. In my last class of the evening last night, we were talking licensure in other states other than MO. I've looked up the info in order to get my license back home. Of course I'm still waiting for my advisor to take a look at the information I found and confirm that I will be able to get my license back home with the education and experience I've gotten. From what I can tell from my own research, the only thing I'd need to really do extra is take a Substance Abuse class which isn't currently offered here. Last night Dr. Grant began talking about how he wished we offered that class and he apologized to all of us for it not being offered. He also talked about how he found someone who is willing to teach the class and if there is enough interest, they may offer it at the beginning of the summer semester and if we want to take it, we can still graduate in May and then take the class. Is God trying to tell me something? If I need this class in order to be eligible for my LPC back home, shouldn't I just stick around here for at least the beginning of the summer to take it instead of moving home right away and then having to get special permission at another school to pick up this course at a later time?

So many questions and fears. I'm almost ready to join the real world in full force. Am I going to be satisfied with what I do? The last thing I want to do is get this far in the path God has laid out only to jump off now.

So if you get to talking to me in the next several months and you ask me when I'm moving back home or if I am moving back home or what I'm going to do with my degree, I may just look down and not answer because at this point there is no definite answer. I don't know. I'm still waiting for further instruction from God.

"Order in the Court!"

In my Bible reading I have gotten to the book of Judges (yeah, I'm a little behind on my goal of the year...but that's not my point). As I was reading this morning all I could think was, "man, I love this book." Here's the jist of the book (like most of the old testament): Joshua dies. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a new judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Etc.

So what do I like so much about the book? It's not that I love watching the Israelites screw up (although it makes me feel not as bad about my screw ups). What I like about the book is all the opportunities God gives them to get back on track and how he uses ordinary people to lead them.

One of my favorite stories in Judges is from chapters 6 and 7, the story of Gideon. When God called upon Gideon, Gideon didn't understand why God would choose him.

Judges 6:15 "But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

God was able to use Gideon. First he had him destroy the alters and idols of his father, then he wanted Gideon to lead an army to defeat the Midianites. One of the things I found interesting is all the tests Gideon did to make sure God was who He said He was and that He will deliver them from the Midianites. God did everything Gideon requested. Sometimes I want to be able to ask that of God. I always ask for signs...but most of the time He has already given them to me and I just haven't noticed.

Another interesting thing I find in this story is of course how God uses Gideon to defeat the Midianites. Gideon had a huge army and would have had no problem winning a battle based on numbers alone. What did God do? He made Gideon decrease the size of his army...twice. Gideon had only 300 men after starting out with 32 thousand. That takes a lot of faith to give up those kind of numbers and leave a measly 300 ment. After all of that, Gideon's army didn't even fight the Midianites. All they did was break pots and blew trumpets and the Midianites attacked themselves. I think God did this to show that He truely is the one that delivered Israel.

I think this story makes me realize the power of God is bigger than anything I can do. When I wonder why or how God can use me, I need to remember it's God working through me.

I Don't Wanna.....

So my blog today is inspired by my lack of motivation to complete tasks the past couple of weeks...

Here at work (yes I'm going to start some financial aid talk) we have been using and developing all new processes for paying out aid since we had to switch to the Direct Loan program (if you don't know what it is, do some research on Google). Since it is all new for me and my coworker, we constantly have to call over to the processing office at the Department of Ed for loans with questions. The frustrating part is that you get different answers depending on who you talk to. Of course this is due to the fact they have a buttload of new workers to take on the increase of work due to every school in the country switching to Direct Loans and its hard to train people that quickly. My coworker and I constantly complain about our frustration. "They don't know what they are talking about," "The guy wouldn't even let me ask the question before telling me it's not their issue but our system."

Tuesday my coworker was put on hold while calling this processing office for a while. She took a look at her email on her phone while patiently wating (and by patiently waiting I mean she was emailing me and complaining). She then saw an email forward she had received and forwarded it to me. It was a daily devotion and the verse of the day was Philippians 2:14,

"Do everything without complaining."

How fitting for the current situation?

Philippians 2:14-16 "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold outthe word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."

I find myself complaining a lot. Just last week I was complaining that I had to sit in class and miss the new episodes of some of my favorite tv shows (Big Bang Theory and the Office). I was complaining because not only did I have a rough day at work and internship, but I came home late to a freezer door standing wide open with everything melted and thawed out thanks to a crazy cat that meant I had to clean out the freezer and buy all new food to replace what was ruined. I was complaining because I am just so exhausted and just want sleep. My complaining had gotten worse...normally I just complain to those around me and the occasional tweet, but the complaining had now shown itself to every other tweet. All last Thursday my tweets had one theme: I just want to be at home watching tv and not sitting in this lame class. Was the class really lame? No, not at all. If I had been focusing in class, I would have learned some valuable information that I will need in my future career. At the time I considered it lame because I wasn't able to do what I wanted instead. I was like the little kid who wasn't getting her way with her arms folded and stomping her foot saying in the most obnoxious, whiney voice possible, "But I don't wanna!"

God has called me to school to become a counselor. He has provided me with a wonderful job that helps pay for school and other bills and also have benefits. He has provided me with a great internship that works around my job and class schedule. Did he call me to complain about these blessings just because I'm exhausted, grouchy, or missing out on hanging out with friends or watching my favorite tv shows (I really can just catch up watching them online too...)?

"Do everything without complaining."

I think these things I've listed fall under the everything category.

Instead of complaining about all the stuff on my plate, I should embrace it. God called me to do something, and I should do it whole-heartedly, not half-heartedly. As I think about my semester of classes, I began to realize how much I love my classes this fall. I'm learning to apply everything that I've been taught the past 5 years of psychology classes. My Thursday night class is teaching me how to diagnose. Not only is it interesting, it's probably one of the most useful things I need to know when it comes to meeting with future clients.

One of the things I'm working with one of my internship clients about is changing her perspectives on current situations. I'm trying to get her to see the good side of situations that she sees as horrible. Some of the current situations may not be the best, but finding a way to see a positive side of it helps take the focus on the negative. If all she sees is the negative, then life will be miserable and without hope. I think I need to take a step back and listen to what I tell some of my clients. I need to "practice what I preach."

Sorry God, I complain a lot. Here you've blessed me with so much, and I find ways to complain about it. Help turn my attitude around and embrace your blessings.

Crazy Love

So for the past 8 months I have been attempting to read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It's not that the book is hard to read, it's just I haven't had much time for pleasure reading. So after several months of not reading it, I picked it up again last night. The few chapters I read were really inspirational. Since I haven't blogged for a while, I figured I might as well blog about my thought and reactions. Hopefully this won't be too informal of a blog for you and I don't miss the author's point...because apparently reflection papers (I mean blogs) are not about having opinions and arguments that aren't on target with the reader's interpretation. (Sorry, a little bitterness attached to reflection papers from a class this summer that were given poor grades).

The main idea I got from the chapters I read is in what way am I showing love to God? The people who are most important in my life receive most of my attention. They are the people who I'll wake up at 4:30 in the morning to take to the airport, the people who I take out to dinner when they are having a rough day or week, the people who I set aside all other priorties for. When it comes to God, do I do those things? Sure I go to church a couple times a week, volunteer and help out with youth, live out my faith (to the best of my ability) in my interactions at work, school, home,and social outings. I show people love, grace, and patience (although there are times where I fail miserably with these things). I pray everyday and am sure to give God praise where praise is due. I am doing my best to live out the life that God has called me to. But do I really show Him how important He is to me? When I get busy and stressed, what is the first thing I let go to get stuff done? Is it an hour or two of my bedtime or morning? Is it my random movie nights with friends or Halo time with Sarah? I mean there are times I let these things go in order to get what needs to be done, done. But are they the first? I have found that the first thing I give up for extra time is my own personal alone time with God.

Whoa! That thought just hit me like a bag of bricks. My alone time with God is the first thing I give up in order to have more time for the other activities in my life. Granted God has called me to school, and wants me to work as if I'm working for Him. But did He call me to give up my alone time with Him? From my experience and what I have learned through church and Bible classes, God absolutely loves me and loves spending time with me. I know this, and nothing is going to change that. But do I show Him that I love Him and love spending time with Him no matter what and nothing is going to change that? Chan gave the example in his book of his little girl running out of the house to greet him in the driveway when he would come home. Do I act that way to God? I know I used to do that with my dad when I was little, but it doesn't seem I'm acting that way towards God. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love God with all my heart, soul, and mind. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am at today.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that I need, no, I WANT to be that little girl with God. When it comes to having a busy life, God should remain my number one priority. I should strive for that time alone with Him. If He was my best friend, I would wake up at 4:30AM just to take Him to the airport even though my sleep time is precious to me. I think my goal this next week (that if I achieve, I'll be sure to continue for longer than a week) will be to wake up even 30 min earlier (or more) just to have time to spend with God. I know I'm not a morning person...I'm probably one of the grouchiest people first thing, and I'm not at my best. Does God care if I'm not running full steam? No, He loves me. I need to show it to Him. He wants my worst and my best. I think He wants me to be able to sacrifice something that I hold dear (yes, sleep is that important to me) just to spend time with Him.

So here I go. I'm running after God in every area of my life. I'm not allowing other priorities (although they are important and God does want me to have them) to get in the way of my number one priority. God is in the driveway, getting out of His car as I leave the window running full steam out the door to greet Him.