Master of Science

Ok, so I haven't posted in quite sometime. I blame the craziness of this last semester. The other day I was talking to my internship supervisor and told her about how many hours I was working while doing school and her response was "How did you keep from going insane?" I have to admit, there was a few weeks this semester where I really thought I wasn't going to make it and was going crazy. There was one week where I was sick 4 days in a row with what I think was a migraine. It had to be stressed reduced. And then after those 4 days, the next couple weeks I'd miss work here and there because another migraine would come on. I seriously didn't know if I was going to make it through.

But I made it. Last Friday they called my name, I walked across the stage and shook the president's hand. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Granted, I still have quite a bit of internship hours I have to complete this summer before my degree can be conferred, but I'm done with classes. No more papers or tests or required readings. It's an amazing feeling!

My boss got me a graduation present. It was a very cute decoracted pillow with the verse Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart"

If I think about what got me through these last two years, I know it was God. There were moments of doubt, but the more I struggled, the more purposeful I was in placing my trust in Him. I will always have to trust in Him no matter where I am on this journey of life. I made it through grad school with His help, and I know I can make it through whatever else I face in life because He will be there to lift me up and carry me.

1 Corinthians 10:13 tells me that He'll never let me be pushed past my limit. I really like the Message version of this verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

I have to admit that even thought I know those words to be true and I know nothing is impossible for God, while going through my struggles (especially this last semester) it was hard for me to really comprehend this. I knew it, but somehow, that wasn't enough for me to let go of the anxiety and stress that I had. Looking back, I can see exactly where God helped me through. Kind of like those footprints in the sand. While we go through those trials, it can seem that we have no help because we are focusing on the issues we face and not on God. Only after we make it through can we look back and see where He was. It's amazing the kind of patience God has. I mean, I would be upset if I'm helping people out while they keep asking me why I'm not helping or where I am. But He keeps helping us even when we don't notice.

Peace in the Uncertainty

As I prepare for my final semester of grad school, I constantly get asked one question: "Got any jobs lined up?"

This question takes many forms: "When are you moving back (refering to IL)?" "What jobs are you looking at?" "What will you be doing after graduation?"

Each time I'm asked this question, that place in the pit of my stomach develops this dull ache. Why do I get this ache? It's simple. I don't have an answer to this question. Well, technically I do because it is "I don't know."

It's a common question to ask a student who is about to graduate. If I weren't about to graduate myself, I'm sure I'd ask other people the same thing. In today's society (and economy), it's dumb not to plan. We all want financial security and we all want confidence in our future lives.

So where is all this anxiety coming from? Is it from not having a job lined up? Is it not sure what kind of job I want? Is it from wanting to move back home to be with my family and friends? Is it from wondering how much I'll miss all the great friends I've made here? Yeah, these questions all add to the anxiety, but they aren't the root. They are more or less the branches of the problem. The root of my anxiety can be traced to one question: "What if I miss God's plan for my life?" or even, "What is God's plan?"

God has always provided that next step in my life. What should I major in? Psychology. What school should I go to? Evangel. Should I stay at Evangel for Grad school? Yes. Where should I work while I'm in school? Here's a position at Evangel.

Sure some of those decisions were not the easiest to make. When I was deciding to stay at Evangel for Grad school, I was really unsure if that is what I wanted. As an undergrad, I was sooo homesick and beginning my senior year, I didn't even know how I would make it through that last year. God telling me I needed to stay resulted in me trying to figure out how I'd last for 2 more years being far away from home. In the end, I was able to make the decision to stay and found peace with it. I ultimately knew I wanted God's plan for my life which meant to stay. I knew He knew how I was feeling about missing my family and friends, but I also knew He would help me through. Looking back, I'd say my current anxiety level is 100 times worse than it was then.

Looking at it logically, trusting God should be easy. He's all powerful, all knowing. He also knows the best plan for your life. He's always going to take care of you. It wasn't that difficult for me in trusting God when it came to previous decision about the next step in my life. I think it was because I knew that next step. Now is a different story. I don't know the next step. Taking a look at all of the stories in the Bible, I should know I need to just place all my trust in God even more in this uncertainty.

I think that God might be using this time of uncertainty to teach me just that. Trust Him. I'm reminded of Abraham and his uncertainty of the future. God just told him to go. "Go." He didn't say where to, or how far. He just said "Go." I wonder if Abraham had this same feeling in the pit of his stomach that I have now... Abraham went, trusting in God. He didn't need to know where, or how far. God knew. I don't need to know where to go after graduation. God knows.

There should be peace in that knowledge. Peace that the all knowing and powerful and amazing and great and big God knows the plan He has laid out for me. I don't need to know. If I knew, maybe I'd be so excited about it that it would be all I could concentrate on. Maybe I wouldn't be focused on my last semester. Maybe I would be thinking so much about the future that I wouldn't take the time to enjoy the present and miss out on fun time with friends. Maybe there doesn't even need to be a reason for me to not know. He's God.

So for now, I'm working on handing over this anxiety and in return latching onto God's peace.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by praryer and petition, with thanksgiving, presnt your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understadnign , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."