Fears of Growing Up

As I get closer to graduation, I begin to feel overwhelmed. I am very excited about moving back home to be closer to my family and friends, but at the same time I'm saddened by the fact that I'd be leaving North Point, my friends, and even my coworkers here. I am also excited about the fact that I will have so much free time because I won't have classes and internship. No longer will I worry about on the weekends getting homework done or studying for a test. After work, I'll be able to relax. I'll be able to cook real dinners and eat real food and no longer live off of fast food.

At the same time of feeling all the excitement, I also am scared to death. Where am I going to find a job? Will I be able to find one back home? How long will that take? Will I move back home and not be able to move out on my own right away? Will I have my Master's degree and license and be living with my parents as they pay for all my bills? Should I move back home right after graduation? Should I stay at least for the summer so I can build up my savings and pay off my student loans before moving back? What do I even want to do with my degree? Do I still want to be a counselor? Do I just want to teach psychology? Will I be able to find a job in my field or will I be stuck working minimum wage as an office secretary? Is this when my life will actually begin?

I could go on and on with these questions. And as I do, I get this huge knot in my stomach. Up until this point I haven't really had to worry about what I'm going to do since all I knew was to go to school. 19 years of my life have been spent sitting in the classroom (yes I included kindergarten). God has opened up so many doors for me. I have no doubt that I'm on His path for my life. But as I inch closer and closer to graduation, I'm inching closer to closer to the end of what I can see of this path. For the first time in my life I can't say where I'll be in 5 years or even in 1 year.

I was thinking about this all last night. Up until this point, I have allowed God to guide my life. Is moving back home my plan or God's plan? I'm at a point where I don't know what God wants me to do after graduation. In my last class of the evening last night, we were talking licensure in other states other than MO. I've looked up the info in order to get my license back home. Of course I'm still waiting for my advisor to take a look at the information I found and confirm that I will be able to get my license back home with the education and experience I've gotten. From what I can tell from my own research, the only thing I'd need to really do extra is take a Substance Abuse class which isn't currently offered here. Last night Dr. Grant began talking about how he wished we offered that class and he apologized to all of us for it not being offered. He also talked about how he found someone who is willing to teach the class and if there is enough interest, they may offer it at the beginning of the summer semester and if we want to take it, we can still graduate in May and then take the class. Is God trying to tell me something? If I need this class in order to be eligible for my LPC back home, shouldn't I just stick around here for at least the beginning of the summer to take it instead of moving home right away and then having to get special permission at another school to pick up this course at a later time?

So many questions and fears. I'm almost ready to join the real world in full force. Am I going to be satisfied with what I do? The last thing I want to do is get this far in the path God has laid out only to jump off now.

So if you get to talking to me in the next several months and you ask me when I'm moving back home or if I am moving back home or what I'm going to do with my degree, I may just look down and not answer because at this point there is no definite answer. I don't know. I'm still waiting for further instruction from God.

"Order in the Court!"

In my Bible reading I have gotten to the book of Judges (yeah, I'm a little behind on my goal of the year...but that's not my point). As I was reading this morning all I could think was, "man, I love this book." Here's the jist of the book (like most of the old testament): Joshua dies. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a new judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Etc.

So what do I like so much about the book? It's not that I love watching the Israelites screw up (although it makes me feel not as bad about my screw ups). What I like about the book is all the opportunities God gives them to get back on track and how he uses ordinary people to lead them.

One of my favorite stories in Judges is from chapters 6 and 7, the story of Gideon. When God called upon Gideon, Gideon didn't understand why God would choose him.

Judges 6:15 "But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

God was able to use Gideon. First he had him destroy the alters and idols of his father, then he wanted Gideon to lead an army to defeat the Midianites. One of the things I found interesting is all the tests Gideon did to make sure God was who He said He was and that He will deliver them from the Midianites. God did everything Gideon requested. Sometimes I want to be able to ask that of God. I always ask for signs...but most of the time He has already given them to me and I just haven't noticed.

Another interesting thing I find in this story is of course how God uses Gideon to defeat the Midianites. Gideon had a huge army and would have had no problem winning a battle based on numbers alone. What did God do? He made Gideon decrease the size of his army...twice. Gideon had only 300 men after starting out with 32 thousand. That takes a lot of faith to give up those kind of numbers and leave a measly 300 ment. After all of that, Gideon's army didn't even fight the Midianites. All they did was break pots and blew trumpets and the Midianites attacked themselves. I think God did this to show that He truely is the one that delivered Israel.

I think this story makes me realize the power of God is bigger than anything I can do. When I wonder why or how God can use me, I need to remember it's God working through me.