Life Takes Action

My daily devotion was about James 4:8

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Sometimes I just sit and wonder why God feels so distant. I often forget it is because my relationship with Him tends to be one sided; He does all the work. Ever think about past friendships or relationships you have had? Most of the time if the friendship ended it wasn't due to a huge argument or fight. Usually it was the result of one of us not putting any effort into it. I remember this one particular instance, and I always wonder what would have happened if I had put more effort into the friendship:

He was my best friend growing up, lived right across the street. I went over to his house almost everday. We always made up tv shows and acted them out, we used to make recordings on cassette tapes and pretend like we had our own radio show. We played board games like crazy (Payday was always a favorite), and when we weren't playing them, we'd play video games on the ol' super nintendo and nintendo 64. We also went through a period of time where we wrote short stories. Right about 5th grade I started public school. He was a year younger than me, so I had to make new friends in order to survive this new environment. After a year or so of having new friends, I stopped spending a lot of time with my old friend. Instead of going to his house everday, I was riding my bike a few blocks to have sleepovers with my new friends. It wasn't that I hated him suddenly, but I had the excitement of new adventures in my life. I don't know at what point I stopped talking to him. Occasionally I'd see him at lunch at school and say, "hi," but that was about it. By the time I got into high school, our friendship no longer existed. It wasn't that I hated him or visa versa; it was that we no longer were spending time together.

In the age of facebook, I was able to begin to catch up with his life. A lot has changed since we were younger. He's gone through a lot of personal struggles and decisions in his life. When I think about it, I wonder what kind of person would he be today if only I had put more effort into our friendship. Kind of makes me think about the movie "To Save A Life." Maybe he would have a relationship with Christ had I stuck to our friendship. He would have had someone to be there for him as he went through a lot of personal issues in his life.

Now I may have gone off on a huge tangent, but I felt like I needed to share that story in order to relate it to a friendship with God. According to Hillsong and the Bible, Jesus is my best friend. Much like this kid, He's been my best friend since forever. The problem is, as I move into different stages of my life, my focus gets easily moved from one thing to the next and I slowly stop making an effort to keep up with my friendship with Jesus. That's what I did in the story above. Friendship isn't one sided. Jesus can't be the only one that puts any effort into our relationship. I have to put effort into it myself. I have to draw closer to God, so that He will draw closer to me.

Robert Madu spoke at the Illinois Youth Convention over the past weekend. In his first message, he started out telling us about his experience at an airport. Going into the airport he sees these closed doors with no handles. Only when he walks up to them do they open. In the bathrooms there are sinks with no nozzles. Only when he puts his hand under the faucet does water come out. Same with the soap. In order to get a paper towel, he has to waive his hand in front of the sensor. All of these things required an action of him in order for them to respond. Relate that to our relationship with God. Jesus already died on a cross for our sins and defeated death by rising from the dead three days later. He is ready for that relationship with us, but the problem is, it takes more than that. We have to do something. We have to walk right up to those doors in order for them to open, we have to stick our hands under the faucet to get water. We have to accept the gift God is offering. We have to draw close to God and He will draw close to us.

Life takes action. Relationships take effort. Don't let the most important relationship fail because you stopped putting effort into it. Draw close to God. Pray and talk to God on a day to day basis. Spend some quality time with Him. Get to know Him by reading His Word everday. Study it. Learn about Him. Life takes action.

Fears of Growing Up

As I get closer to graduation, I begin to feel overwhelmed. I am very excited about moving back home to be closer to my family and friends, but at the same time I'm saddened by the fact that I'd be leaving North Point, my friends, and even my coworkers here. I am also excited about the fact that I will have so much free time because I won't have classes and internship. No longer will I worry about on the weekends getting homework done or studying for a test. After work, I'll be able to relax. I'll be able to cook real dinners and eat real food and no longer live off of fast food.

At the same time of feeling all the excitement, I also am scared to death. Where am I going to find a job? Will I be able to find one back home? How long will that take? Will I move back home and not be able to move out on my own right away? Will I have my Master's degree and license and be living with my parents as they pay for all my bills? Should I move back home right after graduation? Should I stay at least for the summer so I can build up my savings and pay off my student loans before moving back? What do I even want to do with my degree? Do I still want to be a counselor? Do I just want to teach psychology? Will I be able to find a job in my field or will I be stuck working minimum wage as an office secretary? Is this when my life will actually begin?

I could go on and on with these questions. And as I do, I get this huge knot in my stomach. Up until this point I haven't really had to worry about what I'm going to do since all I knew was to go to school. 19 years of my life have been spent sitting in the classroom (yes I included kindergarten). God has opened up so many doors for me. I have no doubt that I'm on His path for my life. But as I inch closer and closer to graduation, I'm inching closer to closer to the end of what I can see of this path. For the first time in my life I can't say where I'll be in 5 years or even in 1 year.

I was thinking about this all last night. Up until this point, I have allowed God to guide my life. Is moving back home my plan or God's plan? I'm at a point where I don't know what God wants me to do after graduation. In my last class of the evening last night, we were talking licensure in other states other than MO. I've looked up the info in order to get my license back home. Of course I'm still waiting for my advisor to take a look at the information I found and confirm that I will be able to get my license back home with the education and experience I've gotten. From what I can tell from my own research, the only thing I'd need to really do extra is take a Substance Abuse class which isn't currently offered here. Last night Dr. Grant began talking about how he wished we offered that class and he apologized to all of us for it not being offered. He also talked about how he found someone who is willing to teach the class and if there is enough interest, they may offer it at the beginning of the summer semester and if we want to take it, we can still graduate in May and then take the class. Is God trying to tell me something? If I need this class in order to be eligible for my LPC back home, shouldn't I just stick around here for at least the beginning of the summer to take it instead of moving home right away and then having to get special permission at another school to pick up this course at a later time?

So many questions and fears. I'm almost ready to join the real world in full force. Am I going to be satisfied with what I do? The last thing I want to do is get this far in the path God has laid out only to jump off now.

So if you get to talking to me in the next several months and you ask me when I'm moving back home or if I am moving back home or what I'm going to do with my degree, I may just look down and not answer because at this point there is no definite answer. I don't know. I'm still waiting for further instruction from God.

"Order in the Court!"

In my Bible reading I have gotten to the book of Judges (yeah, I'm a little behind on my goal of the year...but that's not my point). As I was reading this morning all I could think was, "man, I love this book." Here's the jist of the book (like most of the old testament): Joshua dies. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Israelites mess up. God allows other nations to take them captive. God appoints a new judge to deliver them and get them back on track. Etc.

So what do I like so much about the book? It's not that I love watching the Israelites screw up (although it makes me feel not as bad about my screw ups). What I like about the book is all the opportunities God gives them to get back on track and how he uses ordinary people to lead them.

One of my favorite stories in Judges is from chapters 6 and 7, the story of Gideon. When God called upon Gideon, Gideon didn't understand why God would choose him.

Judges 6:15 "But Lord," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

God was able to use Gideon. First he had him destroy the alters and idols of his father, then he wanted Gideon to lead an army to defeat the Midianites. One of the things I found interesting is all the tests Gideon did to make sure God was who He said He was and that He will deliver them from the Midianites. God did everything Gideon requested. Sometimes I want to be able to ask that of God. I always ask for signs...but most of the time He has already given them to me and I just haven't noticed.

Another interesting thing I find in this story is of course how God uses Gideon to defeat the Midianites. Gideon had a huge army and would have had no problem winning a battle based on numbers alone. What did God do? He made Gideon decrease the size of his army...twice. Gideon had only 300 men after starting out with 32 thousand. That takes a lot of faith to give up those kind of numbers and leave a measly 300 ment. After all of that, Gideon's army didn't even fight the Midianites. All they did was break pots and blew trumpets and the Midianites attacked themselves. I think God did this to show that He truely is the one that delivered Israel.

I think this story makes me realize the power of God is bigger than anything I can do. When I wonder why or how God can use me, I need to remember it's God working through me.

I Don't Wanna.....

So my blog today is inspired by my lack of motivation to complete tasks the past couple of weeks...

Here at work (yes I'm going to start some financial aid talk) we have been using and developing all new processes for paying out aid since we had to switch to the Direct Loan program (if you don't know what it is, do some research on Google). Since it is all new for me and my coworker, we constantly have to call over to the processing office at the Department of Ed for loans with questions. The frustrating part is that you get different answers depending on who you talk to. Of course this is due to the fact they have a buttload of new workers to take on the increase of work due to every school in the country switching to Direct Loans and its hard to train people that quickly. My coworker and I constantly complain about our frustration. "They don't know what they are talking about," "The guy wouldn't even let me ask the question before telling me it's not their issue but our system."

Tuesday my coworker was put on hold while calling this processing office for a while. She took a look at her email on her phone while patiently wating (and by patiently waiting I mean she was emailing me and complaining). She then saw an email forward she had received and forwarded it to me. It was a daily devotion and the verse of the day was Philippians 2:14,

"Do everything without complaining."

How fitting for the current situation?

Philippians 2:14-16 "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold outthe word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."

I find myself complaining a lot. Just last week I was complaining that I had to sit in class and miss the new episodes of some of my favorite tv shows (Big Bang Theory and the Office). I was complaining because not only did I have a rough day at work and internship, but I came home late to a freezer door standing wide open with everything melted and thawed out thanks to a crazy cat that meant I had to clean out the freezer and buy all new food to replace what was ruined. I was complaining because I am just so exhausted and just want sleep. My complaining had gotten worse...normally I just complain to those around me and the occasional tweet, but the complaining had now shown itself to every other tweet. All last Thursday my tweets had one theme: I just want to be at home watching tv and not sitting in this lame class. Was the class really lame? No, not at all. If I had been focusing in class, I would have learned some valuable information that I will need in my future career. At the time I considered it lame because I wasn't able to do what I wanted instead. I was like the little kid who wasn't getting her way with her arms folded and stomping her foot saying in the most obnoxious, whiney voice possible, "But I don't wanna!"

God has called me to school to become a counselor. He has provided me with a wonderful job that helps pay for school and other bills and also have benefits. He has provided me with a great internship that works around my job and class schedule. Did he call me to complain about these blessings just because I'm exhausted, grouchy, or missing out on hanging out with friends or watching my favorite tv shows (I really can just catch up watching them online too...)?

"Do everything without complaining."

I think these things I've listed fall under the everything category.

Instead of complaining about all the stuff on my plate, I should embrace it. God called me to do something, and I should do it whole-heartedly, not half-heartedly. As I think about my semester of classes, I began to realize how much I love my classes this fall. I'm learning to apply everything that I've been taught the past 5 years of psychology classes. My Thursday night class is teaching me how to diagnose. Not only is it interesting, it's probably one of the most useful things I need to know when it comes to meeting with future clients.

One of the things I'm working with one of my internship clients about is changing her perspectives on current situations. I'm trying to get her to see the good side of situations that she sees as horrible. Some of the current situations may not be the best, but finding a way to see a positive side of it helps take the focus on the negative. If all she sees is the negative, then life will be miserable and without hope. I think I need to take a step back and listen to what I tell some of my clients. I need to "practice what I preach."

Sorry God, I complain a lot. Here you've blessed me with so much, and I find ways to complain about it. Help turn my attitude around and embrace your blessings.

Crazy Love

So for the past 8 months I have been attempting to read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It's not that the book is hard to read, it's just I haven't had much time for pleasure reading. So after several months of not reading it, I picked it up again last night. The few chapters I read were really inspirational. Since I haven't blogged for a while, I figured I might as well blog about my thought and reactions. Hopefully this won't be too informal of a blog for you and I don't miss the author's point...because apparently reflection papers (I mean blogs) are not about having opinions and arguments that aren't on target with the reader's interpretation. (Sorry, a little bitterness attached to reflection papers from a class this summer that were given poor grades).

The main idea I got from the chapters I read is in what way am I showing love to God? The people who are most important in my life receive most of my attention. They are the people who I'll wake up at 4:30 in the morning to take to the airport, the people who I take out to dinner when they are having a rough day or week, the people who I set aside all other priorties for. When it comes to God, do I do those things? Sure I go to church a couple times a week, volunteer and help out with youth, live out my faith (to the best of my ability) in my interactions at work, school, home,and social outings. I show people love, grace, and patience (although there are times where I fail miserably with these things). I pray everyday and am sure to give God praise where praise is due. I am doing my best to live out the life that God has called me to. But do I really show Him how important He is to me? When I get busy and stressed, what is the first thing I let go to get stuff done? Is it an hour or two of my bedtime or morning? Is it my random movie nights with friends or Halo time with Sarah? I mean there are times I let these things go in order to get what needs to be done, done. But are they the first? I have found that the first thing I give up for extra time is my own personal alone time with God.

Whoa! That thought just hit me like a bag of bricks. My alone time with God is the first thing I give up in order to have more time for the other activities in my life. Granted God has called me to school, and wants me to work as if I'm working for Him. But did He call me to give up my alone time with Him? From my experience and what I have learned through church and Bible classes, God absolutely loves me and loves spending time with me. I know this, and nothing is going to change that. But do I show Him that I love Him and love spending time with Him no matter what and nothing is going to change that? Chan gave the example in his book of his little girl running out of the house to greet him in the driveway when he would come home. Do I act that way to God? I know I used to do that with my dad when I was little, but it doesn't seem I'm acting that way towards God. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love God with all my heart, soul, and mind. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am at today.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that I need, no, I WANT to be that little girl with God. When it comes to having a busy life, God should remain my number one priority. I should strive for that time alone with Him. If He was my best friend, I would wake up at 4:30AM just to take Him to the airport even though my sleep time is precious to me. I think my goal this next week (that if I achieve, I'll be sure to continue for longer than a week) will be to wake up even 30 min earlier (or more) just to have time to spend with God. I know I'm not a morning person...I'm probably one of the grouchiest people first thing, and I'm not at my best. Does God care if I'm not running full steam? No, He loves me. I need to show it to Him. He wants my worst and my best. I think He wants me to be able to sacrifice something that I hold dear (yes, sleep is that important to me) just to spend time with Him.

So here I go. I'm running after God in every area of my life. I'm not allowing other priorities (although they are important and God does want me to have them) to get in the way of my number one priority. God is in the driveway, getting out of His car as I leave the window running full steam out the door to greet Him.

Created With a Purpose

I have been wanting to blog for quite sometime now, and just haven't really found the time. Better late than never, right?

I wanted to start this post off with a verse.

Psalm 139:13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

When I think about everything that can happen to a baby while it is still being formed in the womb. I think about all the miscarrages that happen. I think about all the complex processes that have to take place, all the chromsones that determine each little thing. How is none of this not purposeful? God knit each one of us. He formed us with a plan in mind.

I love watching Little House on the Prairie. I love the simplicity of life during that time period. One of my favorite episodes is where Laura tries to change herself in order to gain the attention of the boy she has a crush on. Of course her attempts end in embarrassment, but she is trying to be more like her older sister Mary who always has boys flocking after her. Ma, in her wisdom, gives this advice to Laura: "God must love Laura Ingalls and aweful lot to go through all that trouble creating her. I wonder how he feels when she tries to go acting like someone else?" It's true though. Often times I sit there and think, "if only I could do that like so and so" or, "if only I was able to do this or that as a kid." The fact is God made me me. He didn't make me like anyone else. He gave me certain gifts and talents and not others. If my life would be better with different qualities and talents and abilities, He would have created me with those things. The fact is, God has a specific purpose and plan for my life. That is why He created me the way He did. There was one day in class last semester when a friend was talking about how if she had the personality of another student. My first response was, "God didn't go through the trouble making a Shelby just to have her acting like a Bri." Needless to say, I spend too much time watching Little House on the Prairie. But when I think about it, we all have those people in our lives that we wish we could be more like. I'm not saying that we should give up trying to better ourselves, but what I'm saying is be happy and content with what we have been given. God has given each person strengths we can use.

I'm starting my internship working at a place that works with those with mental retardation who also suffer from other mental disabilities such as personality disorders. Yesterday I got to meet with some of the guys who will be a part of the group sessions I'll be leading. Each one of those guys have come from a rough background. They come from homes and situations where it would be hard to find hope. God created each and every one of them with a specific purpose. Each one has different talents and abilities. They may not come from the best of environments to foster sucess, but God has equipped them with gifts and talents that they can use to overcome that. God has a plan for each one of them.

Isn't that amazing to think about? God has a specific purpose and plan for my life. He loves me so much, that he formed me in my mother's womb. He had a plan for me long before I was born. I wasn't born, then after seeing what all I can do did God say, "Oh, I know what I can have Amanda do" or "Well Amanda obviously isn't coordinated enough to be some big time athlete so I guess I can't plan for her to be one. What might she be able to do?" No. God created me saying, "I am going to create Amanda for this and this purpose. If people only knew what great things I have in store for her." He says that about each and every one of us.

I hope this post is an ecouragement.

So It's Been A While...

I know, I'm slacking off on my blog. I would say I can blame the busyness of life for the reason I haven't blogged since February. Actually that is what I'm saying, I blame my busy life as well as other things.

It's so easy to blame others for our faults or mistakes. I have a tendency to come up with tons of excuses why I did/didn't do something. It is an easy way out. Kind of makes me think of the old Relient K song "Maybelline."

Maybe....maybe it is them, or maybe it's me, or maybe it's maybeline, oh maybe it's maybelline.

It is important to accept the responsibility of messing up. Only once we take ownership of our mistakes can we begin to fix them. Somethings that I need to learn to accept responsibility on is getting homework done in a timely manner. I have a tendency to blame the lack of time when I get things done at the last minute. Or I even blame the teachers for the overabundance of my workload for classes. "If it weren't for the 5 other assignments I have due this week, I would have had more time spend working on this paper...." If I actually took ownership, my thought would be, "If only when I looked ahead on the syllabus to see that I have 5 assignments due in the same week and decide to work on these assignments ahead of time, I would have had more time to spend on this paper. Next time I will know to get this stuff done ahead of time." Taking responsibility will allow me to change things in the future or fix the mistakes in the present.

This can be applied to my spiritual life. "Why haven't you kept up on your Bible reading and prayer time this past month?"
Excuse making: "Well see, last week I had a crazy week at work and when I wasn't working I was doing homework or in class. Then my friends feel like I have abandoned them so I need to spend any free time with them. By the time I get home each evening, I'm ready for bed. It makes it hard to keep up with my devotion time. Maybe when things begin to slow down, I can get back on track."
Accepting responsibility: "I guess when I got really busy the past couple of weeks, I set my devotion time on the back burner until I have time to get to it. Maybe I need to change my perspective on my daily schedule. My relationship with God is very important to me, so spending time in daily devotions should be to. I'm going to start making time in my busy schedule to get back in the routine of a daily devotion, even if it means forfeiting time for other things."

Accepting blame and repsonsibility is a good thing, only when it comes to mistakes where I am at fault. If I accept blame or responsibility for the faults of others or in situations where I have no control, then I am only hurting myself. The hard part is knowning the difference. I think it is the Serenity Prayer that says: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"

I just keep thinking about the future and what I want to do in life. My goal is to counsel people. The more I sit here and think about it, I begin to stress out thinking about what I am going to do when I have clients who have severe problems. Am I going to be able to help them? What happens if I have a suicidal client and he ends up killing himself despite my best efforts to treat his depression? Will that mean that I have failed? With a job like this, a mistake won't affect material things, a mistake will affect a person's life. I will definitely need God's help in understanding that I do not have the power alone to fix problems in these clients lives. I can only do my best with what training and education I have received to help them. It will be up to the client to change, and of course the help of an all powerful God who can do the impossible.

Being human, I have limitations. There are things that I cannot do, or things I can only do so much. God has no limitations. He can begin working where my limitations begin. Where I have no control, He is in control. I could not receive forgiveness based on my "good deeds"alone. I am human and make mistakes which means ultimately, I deserve death. God sent Jesus to make a way for me to receive forgiveness where I failed. Only through his death, burial, and ressurection could I ever walk in right standing with God.

One of my favorite songs is "In Christ Alone" The lyrics are so powerful! I am going to end this post with the lyrics:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"

Brown Weeks

So last week in my connect group, we were asked to describe our week with a color and then explain why we chose that color. I chose brown. Why? Because I was having what I would consider a crappy week. That week I dealt with a lot of stress between several tests and assignments on top of work and moving into a new bedroom. That Friday I was happy to see the week gone. Of course I wasn't the only one having a crappy week, and I'm sure in comparison to how the week went for others, it wouldn't have seemed so crappy.

This week I'd consider another brown week. I have a tendency to get so self-absorbed in my own life with all the stress involved that I tend to give myself these self pity parties. "Whoa is me! These allergies are making me sick, but I still have to go to these 3 hour long classes. My cat is being a brat. My hot chocolate is all watered down. I have so much to do this weekend for classes." I find it easy to find crappy stuff in my week and become self-absorbed. The thing is, once I began looking around me, other people are going through tough times. Situations people around me are going through make my complaints about a simple watered down hot chocolate seem ridiculous (althought my complaint is really ridiculous). For instance, one of my coworkers' wife just had a miscarriage. Worse than that, she had to still be induced and deliver the baby boy. What a crappy week, month, even year for him and his wife! One of my friends just had a second car accident within a month. What a crappy month for her! Just found out one of my sixth grade girls experienced a break-in of her home while she was there. What a crappy week for her and her family!

These are just a few examples of how other people are going through tougher times than me. Sometimes we (and when I say "we" I mean "me") need to just step outside of ourselves and our concerns and worries and look at other people in our lives. Suddenly my week doesn't look crappy any more. It seems like a pretty good week for me compared to others. Only when I stop looking at what is going on in my life and look at what is happening in the lives of those around me can I begin feeling compassion and concern for others.

Philippians 2: 3-4 says, "Don't be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves. Care about them as much as you care about yourselves." (the rest of that passage is really good, so take a look for yourself)

Wow! What a thought? Caring about others as much as I care about myself....had I been doing that this past week? It isn't that I don't care about others, it is that sometimes I get so caught up in caring about myself that other people are not at the forefront of my mind.

For those of you going through your own brown weeks, here is a verse to encourage you:

"The LORD will hold your hand, and if you stumble, you still won't fall." -Psalm 37:24

I also want to apologize for being self-centered the past week or two. God is working on this in my life.

Pyschopatha..waa??

Words of warning: I like to tell stories…

So last night a friend came over as I was working on moving my stuff in my new bedroom and bathroom (finally getting my own room!) and she came across my DSM-IV TR. Not a strange thing to find in a room of a psychology grad student. If you don’t know what the DSM is, it is a diagnostic manual for diagnosing mental disorders. Well we then started a conversation on disorders. She’d give me a situation, and I’d go look up my first guess of what kind of disorder that person could have and look up the symptoms and kind of do my own diagnosis with what limited information I had. I have to say, it was kind of fun. Well, I’m kind of getting off subject here so I’ll get back to my point of the story. At one point the question was asked about if most people could be considered as having a mental disorder. Luckily I had just had a test the night before over that kind of information so I had an answer. Of course I cannot remember the exact percentage listed in my psychopathology book, but I want to say around 80% of people could be diagnosed with a disorder at one point in their life. This doesn’t mean that the person still is suffering from the disorder, or that the person sought professional help. What it does mean is that it is normal to go through spurts of anxiety or depression. Most of these disorders have a precipitating event that brings it out of us. For instance, the stress of school for me is causing a lot of anxiety for me. Some of the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder include easily fatigued, irritable, unable to concentrate (mind going blank). I often find myself more irritable lately, also very tired all the time, and often my mind goes blank and I have a hard time concentrating on a task. I am sure as soon as the semester ends or slows down, I’ll be back to normal.

What I am getting at is that if we didn’t have times of depression or anxiety or any other disorder, we wouldn’t be human. We are vulnerable; we are affected by situational factors and our environment. As Christians, we have a tendency to think that if we had enough faith or were “real Christians,” we would not suffer from things like depression. In my devotion for today, the title was “Taking the Initiative Against Depression.” The verse was 1 Kings 19:5. Of course to fully understand the situation the verse is describing, I read 1 Kings 18 too. The story is about Elijah and how he challenged the Baal prophets and of course the God of Israel is the winner. Elijah ends up killing all of the prophets and then flees into the wilderness. This then brings us to chapter 19. In 19:4 Elijah had enough, “…He begged the LORD, ‘I've had enough. Just let me die! I'm no better off than my ancestors.’” Even Elijah, a prophet of God came to a point where he was ready to give up. Does that make him a horrible person? Absolutely not. One thing the devotion said really stuck out to me, “If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death.” The great thing is that in our weakness, God is strong. He is there to step in during these times, and be our strength when we need it. Sometimes His help doesn’t come in the form of some spiritual miraculous change like *boom* no more depression and you’re suddenly happy all the time. Sometimes His help requires us to do something on our part.

1 Kings 19:5 “Suddenly an angel woke him up and said, ‘Get up and eat.’” Sometimes God requires a simple task.

So my whole point this blog is to say we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for feeling depressed or really anxious. We are human, which means imperfect. The great news is God is strong in our weakness, but we have to remember, we sometimes have to take the initiative to work towards a change.

God Answers Prayers

Prayer changes things. It always amazes me. I never really ever used to take the time to write down all my prayer requests in my personal life. I figured I could always keep a mental list as God laid things on my heart. Since I've been using my new prayer journal, I've written down prayer requests with the date I began praying over each one. As each one is answered, I write down that date. The past couple days when I've opened up that page, I've just been in awe as to what has already been answered. All I can think is "Wow, God is amazing."

God is truely amazing. The other night I went to bed with a certain subject matter laid on my heart. I was so desperate for an answer. The next day, a friend came to me with the answer God had laid on her heart. An answer to my prayer.

When I think about prayer, I am reminded of something I learned from one of my Bible classes at Evangel with Smallwood (yeah, I actually learned something from his class believe it or not besides not reading things word for word off of his power points because I end up saying "epople" instead of "people" due to typos). He told me that God does not work on our timetable. It is so true. When I pray, I want immediate results. If I don't get that immediate response, then I'm disappointed or feel God did not listen. The truth is God does answer every prayer. The answer is either yes, no, or later. Sometimes the things we ask for, God plans to give us, only not as soon as we'd like. God sees the big picture and knows exactly when we need something.

I know I've mentioned this a thousand times, but I view life as a big jigsaw puzzle. God has the box with the picture and hands us each piece and tells us where to put it. Because we don't see the big picture, each piece makes no sense. Sure some pieces seem obvious where they go like the corner pieces. While others we have a good idea where they go like the side pieces. But most pieces fall somewhere in the middle. We look at each piece and do not understand where that goes in our life. Or we grab a piece from another puzzle that looks really good and like it belongs, but it really fits no where. We can shove and smash that piece all we want, but it never will be a perfect fit. We instead should just listen to God and take the pieces he gives us and put them where he wants us to put them. Only until we see the finished project (aka our life) will we see the reason for each piece.

All I have to say is God is amazing. He really does answer prayers, in his perfect timing, and in his perfect way. We will never understand exactly why he answers the way he does until we take a step back and see the big picture at the end of our lives.

Sarah Trusty, this blog is for you because apparently you were upset I hadn't blogged in a while. Here you go.

Trust in the Lord Always and Again I Say Rejoice

So last night I was rereading the story of Joseph. Everytime I read it, I just shake my head at Joseph when it gets to the part about him telling his family about his dream. His brothers were already so jealous of him, yet he had to go and tell them about how in his dream they were bowing to him. We all know how the story goes, his brothers sell him into slavery, he then has a run in with Potiphar's wife which lands him in prison, and then eventually he interprets a dream for Pharaoh and then he gets placed into a position that when his brothers come asking for food during the famine they have to bow to him.

As I read the story again last night, I got to thinking about Joseph's life. He seemed to have it all, afteral he was the favorite son of Jacob. He was probably a pretty spoiled kid. Probably got a way with a lot of things. Then he has this awesome dream which God pretty tells him he will rule over his brothers. All of a sudden, all that is taken away from him. He gets put in a pit and sold into slavery. Of course he works his way up the food chain, but just as he's towards the top, Potiphar's wife gets in the way and he gets pushed back down that totem pole. He lands in prison, happens to interpret two dreams for two men. The interpretations come true. The one who is still alive forgets all about Joseph until Pharaoh has a dream that needs to be interpreted. And then suddenly Joseph comes right back on top and interprets the dream and lands a nice powerful position.

All this time, I can only imagine what was going on in Joseph's head. Here he had a promise from God, yet it seemed nothing was working out for him. How easy it must have been to lose faith and trust in God especially in the time he was in the pit or in prison. At least I know that is where I would have struggled. I always pride myself in being able to see the positive side of things, but where is the positive in being thrown into a pit by your brothers? Maybe that he could have been murdered so the fact he was still alive was good? There isn't really any detail in the Bible story as to what was going through Joseph's mind, but what we do know is that God was there for him. He was there for him in that pit. He was there for him in prison. He was there for him when he was a servant. He was there for him when he worked for Pharaoh. In the end, God was faithful in his promise to Joseph.

How many times in our own lives do we hear the promises of God, yet because we have those days (weeks, months, or years) where we are down in that pit, we lose our trust and hope in God? I have always found it easy to tell myself and others around me, "God is always faithful. He has proven Himself faithful in the past, and He will continue so in the future." But trusting in that is another thing. Last year I went to Kenya on a missions trip. Towards the end of my time there we got to witness a shooting and then riots right outside where we were staying. The night it happened we went out to eat right after the shooting. When we got ready to head back, we were told there were riots, gun fire, rocks being thrown, tear gas, the works... When they decided it would be ok for us to head back because we were going to be escorted by the tourist police (keep in mind the riots were people rioting against the police and government), I lost it. I was an emotional wreck. All I kept thinking is, "I'm going to die a brutal death and not get the chance to tell my parents goodbye." I was scared to death. On our way back that evening everyone was scared (although I think I was in the worst shape out of everyone, basically balling in the back seat of that van). We decided in our van to sing worship songs on our way because when the Israelites went to war, they'd send those who sang hymns out first to lead the way. Amongst the worshiping, there was also tons of prayer. Towards the end of the drive God suddenly asked me, "Amanda, what were you just telling those students earlier today before you left?" "I told them to remember that you have been faithful to them in the past and that you will continue to be faithful to your promises so to keep trusting in you..." "And what are you currently doing?" "Not listening to my own advice" And right then admist that conviction of my heart, I suddenly felt peace. I was able to give God all my trust in the situation. I think because all this time in my life, I've had other people to trust alongside God. This was the first time God was all who I could trust and rely on. Definitely a life changing experience.

Psalm 40:1-2 "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Your Will Be Done

With my birthday coming up tomorrow and a new year started, I have been doing a lot of thinking about where my life is now compared to where I was just a year ago and compared to where I would have thought I would be as well as what the future holds. When I was in 6th grade, my goal in life was to be a kindergarten teacher. Before then I wanted to be a doctor, missionary, or a pastor. I think at one point I figured out I could be a missionary who would preach the gospel, be a doctor to the sick, and a school teacher. (I hated choosing one over the other so I figured I could do them all) Well I didn't go to school to be a teacher, doctor, or missionary/pastor. Instead I chose to go into the psychology field. When the end of my senior year rolled around, the idea of becoming a therapist popped into my mind. I had friends who always asked for my advice. I think this was God's way of showing me what He wanted me to do. Sure enough, I fell in love with my first few psychology classes.

When it came to deciding on a school to go to, I had a desire to attend Evangel since I was in junior high. Nothing in particular really made me want to attend there, but there was just something that I felt saying that is where I need to go. That something must have been God. Of course when high school graduation came along, I really wanted to begin my freshman year at Evangel, but my parents convinced me to do a community college for 2 years (something that was way cheaper and ended up being free for me). That desire to go to Evangel never left me.

Once at Evangel I had my ups and downs of loving it and being so homesick, I didn't know how I'd make it through the semester. I knew I needed to start applying for grad school, and I felt God calling me to stay at Evangel for that. I had no idea how I'd make it another two years being far away from home. I constantly was in prayer asking God to help me with the ache in my heart to be at home if I am to stay in Missouri longer. By this time last year, I had finally made my decision to complete my graduate work at Evangel, after all that is where God wanted me. This was probably one of the hardest decisions in my life because what I wanted didn't quite line up with what God wanted. In the end I knew I needed to submit my will to God's, and when I did, everything started to fall into place. I found a roommate in one of my classes, at the end of the semester I found a temporary full time job for the summer, and then my temporary position then became and open permanent position that I was offered. God just began opening up doors for me.

God also has helped me with my homesickness. Throughout the summer, I would go home at least one weekend a month (sometimes two). I really missed my church back home. I had begun going to North Point halfway through the last spring semester and really enjoyed it, but it still wasn't "my church". I also really missed all of my friends who were and are still very close to me. At the end of the summer I finally got plugged into North Point. God had been telling me all summer long that I need to start helping out at church here, but I wasn't sure if I was up for a commitment since I still was going home often and classes were going to start up in the fall. Finally God made it so I had no excuse. Randomly (well more of a 'God thing') at the end of service one morning, the guy sitting near me stopped me on my way out and asked if I would be interested in helping out in the student ministries. This was my opportunity to get involved and I took it. I now feel as if North Point is "my church." Not only am I serving the people in the church, I have made some great friends. I still get homesick and do miss my friends back home, but I actually feel like I belong here and have a great life here. This is definitely God's way of helping me deal with my anxiety of being away from home so I can concentrate on His plan for my life.

Now that I've given my life story (well not quite my life story, but it is still long), I guess I should get to the point. God's will and plan for my life is far different than I could have imagined it to be. I still find myself worrying about where I will be and what I will be doing in a year when I am finishing up my Masters. Considering at this time last year, I would have no idea I would be where I am today with my job, my friends, and even my spiritual growth. A lot could happen in a year. The great thing is that God has an awesome plan for my life. I just have to be willing to submit myself to His will. All wisdom is God's. What is wonderful is that He loves and cares for me, so I know His plan for my life is far greater than any plan I could try to create myself. He knows what he is doing, I just have to seek His face.

Isaiah 48:17 "This is what the Lord says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the Lord your God, who teaches you waht is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.'"

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I'm excited to see what God has planned for me for the next year :)

Beginning of a New Blog

About a year or so ago I started another blog. I didn't do a great job in updating that blog and when I did, I had a tendency to ramble on and on about things in my life or just talked about silly things. I decided to start a new blog and be a bit more serious about it. I'm sure my sarcasm and a little bit of humor will appear here and there, but I really want to share about my own personal walk with God.

I have been attending North Point since March, and at the end of the summer began getting involved helping out with the youth. This church is the kind that actually practices what it preaches. It is all about outreach to the community and I love it. Pastor Tommy also stresses the importance of self-feeding. I just purchased a prayer journal for the year and I hope that it will really help me to keep growing closer to God. I also am a part of a small connect group. I'm really excited to continue on in that throughout this year. Fellowship with other Christians is stressed throughout the New Testament.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this blog, but I highly doubt it will be updated daily. I'm hoping for at least one post a week, but with working 40 hours, taking 10 credit hours of class, helping with youth, and being a part of a connect group this semester, you will have to forgive me if I miss a week here and there. I do hope that my blog will be able to be an encouragement to others and a way for me to write down my thoughts.